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Buzzfeed, Nothing Is Wrong with Falling in Love after Your Wife Gets Pregnant

Shahid Kapoor says he fell in love with his wife during her pregnancy– what is wrong with that?

I got married in 2013, just two months after turning 25 and yes, it was an arranged marriage. The courtship period lasted for about four months, where I could only meet my to-be husband all of six times before marriage. Of these six times, we met twice in the company of both our families. (I know now that he came along with all his family members living in Kolkata.)

The meetings we had with our families had a subtle romantic aspect to them, (with all the fun teasing and secret glances going on) however filmy they might appear to be. Later, after the wedding date was fixed and we chatted on the phone every evening, he planned to specially come and meet me in Delhi, which one may think is natural, considering the fact that we both lived in different cities (he in Mumbai and me in Delhi) and because we did not get enough chances to really know each other in person. I also feel there was a hint of romance in the very thought of it. For the very short time (four days if that means anything) that he had come to meet me in Delhi (my hometown), we discussed our lives so far, our friends and families, and the food we like. But mostly it was the moments shared between the two of us (and there had been a lot of filmy ones like getting wet in the rain with one umbrella and us holding hands for the first time) during this time that made us feel more strongly about our relationship and our impending marriage. Those little moments came to define the way we felt about each other. Three years down the line, our love has deepened and has only become stronger, now that we know each other so much better. This, I say, despite all the ups and downs and the fights that we have endured together.

For those who doubt it, yes, love can happen after marriage. And, it has got nothing to do with the physical or sexual aspect of a relationship. In fact, I believe if you are making love to a person you really love, it deepens your mutual feelings.

Having said that, sex in no way comes to define the love for your partner. 

Sex and love are both very different concepts; so having sex (or bad sex) with your spouse does not or rather should not ‘make’ or ‘break’ your relationship as husband and wife. Sex is just a part (an integral one at that) in the relationship but it is more about the little things like caring for someone when he or she is sick or just being beside your partner when he or she needs you that can help to foster and eventually grow love. Just like the way Shahid Kapoor claimed (on Koffee with Karan’s New Year’s Day episode) that he fell in love with his wife, Mira Rajput, during her pregnancy.

However, Twitteratis do not feel the same way; in fact they believe that the episode only “promoted” arranged marriage and having children early on. They also felt irked at Kapoor’s confession of his love for his wife only after pregnancy:

What I do not get is this: what is wrong with a man falling in love with his wife during her pregnancy?

These moments, as Kapoor rightly put it, “bring a couple together”, as it is their child, who changes the equation between two people completely. A couple goes from being two individuals living together to a family, where both make sacrifices and compromises for the sake of their children.

All marriages are different, whether arranged or love. So, isn’t trying to generalise the concept of arranged marriages as “regressive and patriarchal” and love marriages as a system where “love is not felt in the same way a few years down the line” stereotyping relationships?

The standpoint I speak from is not one of a fan or an advocate of arranged marriages, but one where I feel strongly that love is a process, it is a constant effort and love or arranged, marriages need to be worked on. But, especially in an arranged marriage where the bride and groom-to-be don’t get much time or chance to be with each other before marriage, love blooms only after marriage and it is a process with ups and downs, joys and frustrations, leisure travels, and responsibilities.

I believe you Shahid and Mira, when you say that you are “a huge supporter of this arranged marriage format”, that you are not fervently glorifying arranged marriages and the idea of early conception but just stating the fact that these situations worked for you both and made you realise the idea of ‘Us’.

 

Originally written for The Bayside Journal as an answer to a post on Buzzfeed

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